Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
