I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
