I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
