After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
