We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I had to cum in my sink.
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