blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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