I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
