Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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