I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
