I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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