dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
