she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
