he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
