I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
