4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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