I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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