so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize