y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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