Me too!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
