I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
