I got chris browned last night
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
