carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
