Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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