When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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