i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
