You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you inspire me to be a worse person
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
