The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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