okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
