I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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