life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
