My hand turned me down
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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