My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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