My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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