She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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