those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
