Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
