She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
