I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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