You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
