i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
