Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
