cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
