If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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