i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
