I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
