i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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