The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I pour the whiskey from now on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
