so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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