do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
