On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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