I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
