Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
