Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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