So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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