I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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