I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
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DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.