wrigley field is MILF paradise
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.