'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
