guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
